“Daughters of Zion, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does in the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Song of Songs 3:5 (NIV)
“Oh, let me warn you sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe – and you’re ready.” Song of Solomon (MSG)
You Know You’re Not Ready
Girl. Are you lonely? Ain’t been out on a date in months? A year?
Sit tight, Baby. Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
What the heck is she talking about?
Intentional Christian dating for grownups.
Ladies, how many times have we gone out with a guy we don’t really like “like that,” but went for kicks and giggles, free dinners, to get out of the house, or to have male company instead of an estrogen conference for a change?
We can’t do that.
Now. I’m not talking about if you like him. If you like him, date him, Girl. Get to know him. But if you don’t, don’t bother.
Sure, singleness can be lonely, but newsflash: You’re using him.
Sidebar: Men. Don’t get self-righteous about “how women are.” How many times did you, O saved one, know you didn’t like her, but stayed around because she would compromise and have sex with you on the low, or because she cooked for you? Or helped you write your papers? Or helped you get your mom off your back about still being single? Exactly. So stop it.
Back to us Ladies.
Arousing and awakening love…
Sometimes, we are ready for love, but not with that person. And we don’t think about how our actions are perceived by men or that men have feelings too. Men get hurt like we do.
If you say, “He needs to man up”, then that’s the same mentality that would have you date someone you don’t really like. The relationship is all based on you and not on how the other person feels. A relationship where either one of you has that mentality is like a cake recipe with missing ingredients. No matter how you try to mix it, it will never come out quite right.
Where was I? Oh yes. Men get hurt, too!
What Signals Do Women Send?
Sometimes, a man gets the impression you really like him and want him. This may awaken a desire in him to be in a relationship, to love someone with his whole heart, to want to marry and make babies, or to have a companion to travel with after retirement – only to find out you used him for your benefit.
Know what happens after that? He ends up being the kind of guy who dates and skates, hits and quits, sees you and flees you because he couldn’t tell that you wanted him for the moment and not for a lifetime. So, he keeps every woman at a distance. And one day, you’re the girl who really wants to love the guy whose heart has been smoothied in the blender of love. But, he is not yet healed and is thus incapable of giving or receiving love.
Relationship card: Declined.
Don’t Men Do It Too?
Now, before we go any further, we ladies know men who stir love without commitment. Some learn it from the men they are raised by (or not raised by), some just came into the world like that, and some have been hurt – by us.
If you have guy friends or have brothers, you’ve seen them hurt. And you’ve seen them with a common cold. It’s not pretty. With a cold, they wrap up in the bed and moan like babies. With everything else, they just tend to mask it with jokes, pettiness, anger, or indifference.
So, before you tell me that men do it too, tell me you’re going to take responsibility for your own actions – because we’re grownups and that’s what grownups do. Grownups say, “I’m going to own my part of the problem.” Or, “Let me not use my circumstances as a justification for why I feel it’s okay to use someone.” And, “Let me keep myself home, read this Word, and eat this Talenti instead of being selfish.”
It’s not how much you make or what you drive or how long you’ve been taking care of yourself that makes you a responsible adult. It’s being mature in your decisions and choosing the right thing over what will benefit you in the moment. It’s waiting until God’s time is right…for both of you.
So, what’s the play call?
Simple – the Golden Rule.
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Or, in other words, leave that man in peace.